Category: Apple atrocities

As everyone knows, when Apple gets serious about wringing serious cash out of its customers, it adds “Pro” to the product name.

I thought I knew why, but I did not. Now I do.

I grew up in the era of Apple as the tool of choice for professional content creators. Naturally, I assumed that any Apple product bearing the Pro moniker is called “pro” because it is a professional content creation tool.

Anyone outside the content creation industry who buys an Apple Gadget Pro is buying something designed and engineered for content creating elites, who require the very best tools to do their creative magic.

But this morning I was trying and failing to use my iPad Pro to edit some text. It is terrible at text editing. So I was having a loud crybaby fit about how if Apple wants its crappy gadgets to be useful tools for professional content creators, perhaps it should, after a decade and a half of negligence, improve the iPad’s text-editing. Maybe optimize it for writing long-form text like articles, stories or film scripts, not teeny-bopper nonsense.

But then, I had an epiphany. A calm settled over me.

Oh! . . . Not that kind of Pro.

Apple Pro products are not for professional content creators. They are not tools for content creation.

These products are fetish objects for Professionals, like business executives, lawyers, doctors, financial analysts. People with radically non-creative high-paying jobs, with massive disposable income.

Those people get the Apple Pro products.

Apple Pro products are luxury items. They are for owning.

I should have seen it sooner. Premium phones and watches are no more useful to a designer or writer or producer or coder than to anyone else. Vision Pro really drives home the point. If there has ever been a device for pure consumption by content consumers Vision Pro is it.

So these products feel unsuited for me precisely because they are not meant for people like me.

Somehow, understanding this fact is a bleak but real comfort.

In the last year, the iOS app developer world has decided all at once to take away our ability to select bits of text in messaging apps, like Apple Messages, Facebook Messenger and Slack.

Apparently, they did this in order to optimize for putting little 👍 or 🤣 or 🥰 emojis on messages.

So, say we want to look up a word in a dictionary, or say we want select and copy just one part of a long message in order to quote it, or say we want to select a phone number out of an invite message — to name some real-life annoyances from just the last 24 hours… we now have to select and copy the whole message, paste that whole message into Apple Notes or some other text editing app, and then select and copy the text we want.

And this same emoji optimization limitation also applies to selecting multiple messages. So if you have a huge crybaby design tantrum on Messages and you want to copy the whole thing and dump it into a Design Grouch blog post, you have to copy and paste it line by line.

All this so lazy jackasses can more conveniently non-reply to messages with ❤️.

To that I say🖕.

Please pardon the uncharacteristically calm, respectful and positive tone of this post. The text below is a feature request I left on the Apple forum. I want to persuade them, and rumor has it that you catch more flies with honey than with boiling vitriol, my normal liquid of choice.

iOS Mail badly needs a “Paste Without Formatting” feature.

Currently, Mail lacks any convenient way to get pasted text into the default format. To get it to match, a user has to drill down into the formatting features and manually set them. I don’t even know what manual settings to choose to prevent the pasted text from looking weird.

A general point: I don’t know if I’m typical, but 99% of the time I wanted pasted text to match the formatting of any text I’m editing, whether email, word processing document, blog, or social media post. But with very few exceptions, I have to work against the UI to get this to happen. For whatever reason, the product management world seems to believe users want to paste with formatting most of the time. It seems to me that in most cases in most apps “Paste Without Formatting” would be the better default, and that “Paste With Formatting” should be the manually chosen option. Am I wrong?

I had all kinds of headaches when I accidentally pasted the text above with formatting, requiring me to undo the action on this massive iPad. And, of course, that means grasping the device with both hands and heaving it back and forth using the strength of my entire upper body, because the dipshits over at WordPress only provide “Shake to Undo” on their incredibly shitty and rapidly deteriorating iOS app.

Apple really ought to admit to itself that its so-called iCloud is not even approaching the cloud computing ideal and design to the reality of its technological limitations.

What do I mean by the cloud computing ideal? I mean that your files are simply available everywhere, simultaneously on any device.

iCloud very dramatically fails to achieve this effect. Its technological operations are front-and-center. It is painfully obvious that files are being synchronized across devices, and that the user must wait for the synchronization operation to complete before the files from one device are transferred to the new one.

This synchronizing files model requires a different kind of user experience design than a true cloud computing model, which permits a featureless simplicity. The process happens so invisibly and reliably that there’s no question of availability of data or files, or whether the available data or files is the most current.

Syncing, however, requires visibility and control so users know what going and and can do something about it. Because with syncing there is an obvious temporary discrepancy between what a user sees on one device and another. This is most certainly the user experience of “iCloud”. A user moving across devices must patiently wait for files, photos, contacts, etc. to appear, and there is absolutely no way to see what’s going on. You just have to wait and wait and wait and hope there isn’t another damn glitch requiring you to sign out and sign back into your iCloud account on one or both of the possibly malfunctioning devices.

But Apple seems to think its Jobsian Reality Distortion Field is still operational. It thinks that if it keeps pretending its botched syncing is a magically simple cloud experience — if it sings out “ta da!” insistently enough — its cult of uncritical boneheads will just believe what Apple wants them to believe. And you know what? Apple is 100% correct.

But I do not believe. I do not believe because I notice things and think about them. That is what smart people do. Stupid people copy the thoughts of people they think are smart, and then stupidly imagine that copying smart person thoughts makes them smart.

If, God forbid, I were the product manager of iCloud, I’d drop all pretense of cloud computing.

First, I’d rename the product iSync, to avoid accusations of false advertising. Just kidding: there are no such accusations. I’d rename it out of shame.

And then I would give users visibility into synchronization progress and manual control over the synchronization, similar to what Google Drive provides (except, of course, I would use UX best practices and do the design work right, instead of letting my tech team mangle the j0b, and consequently subjecting users to frustration and confusion, and then trying to unmangle the mangledness in real-time, creating yet more frustration and confusion, in the manner prescribed by Eric Ries — an approach that seems absolutely logical if you happen to be a typical omniscient techie sociopath who thinks “experience” is a glitzy synonym for “user interface”). That’s right: I’d have a damn progress bar with some info on what files are syncing, along with some kind of time estimate. And there’d be a nice fat “Sync” button on every screen, if only to function like a cross walk button placebo. The machine is listening and at least pretending to respond to my incessant button poking.

Then I would re-hire Scott Forstall, revert iOS to version 6 and try to pretend the last decade of iOS never happened. And anyone heard saying the word “skeuomorphism” in the halls of the Apple’s headquarters would be tased and ejected from the glass bagel into the artificial wilderness of Cupertino.

Happy New Year.

Here’s me trying to arrange widgets on my iPad.

What I want to do is put the battery widget on the left, then the calendar widget in the middle, and the reminders widget on the right.

What the iPad wants is anything but that.

Why is the default paste on nearly every application “paste with formatting”? Is that really what most users want most of the time?

Has anyone even looked into it? From all appearances nobody has. Every app has “paste with formatting” as the default, and has created its own unique, complicated and counterintuitive multi-key combo to get “paste without formatting”. Since it is different in every app we never learn it. We use the menu, or develop awkward workarounds to shed the formatting.

But somehow worse than this is Apple’s implementation in Mail on iOS. Get a load of this: there is no paste without formatting option at all. There is no “remove formatting” or “set to default” option, either. The normal formatting of the email must be manually applied, parameter by parameter.

So imagine a scenario where a very bitter user named Stephen sees a headline on a website set in 72 point Jackass Sans Bold Italic from one of those eye-destroying light-on-dark night formats every design lemming in the world decided en masse to make the norm. If this angry little Stephen person tries to copy this headline and paste it into an email to the last person on earth willing to listen to his bilious spew, he will have to first find and select the white text he just pasted, which is completely invisible against the white background of the email, then manually reformat it to match the typeface and size the rest of the email is set in, whatever that is.

Let’s just hope this Stephen guy has a blog dedicated to shit design where he can vent his fury. When bad design is your muse, your inspiration will heave forth endlessly.

Moral: Always, always, always offer “paste without formatting”, and maybe even consider making that the default. Just because every other designer is doing something, that doesn’t mean it is the smart thing to do. I swear, designers are some of the most conformist innovators you’ll ever meet.